HEADS OR TAILS

I’m in the mood tonight to write, and I want to write about forgiveness. It’s a subject that has been on my mind (what’s left of it), and forgiveness is an issue  I’ve been trying to deal with. There are two sides to this coin.

You can look at forgiveness from both sides.  Heads, you’ve been asked to forgive, or tails, you are the one asking forgiveness of another.

Recently I have felt the need to ask a few people to forgive me for an unkind word, or a mean and thoughtless act.  I needed and wanted to do this to clear my conscience, but also I genuinely wanted them to know that I really was sorry for how I made them feel by my atrocious behavior.

I learned something years ago.  There are times when “I’m sorry” isn’t enough.  What do you really mean when you say “I’m sorry”?   What are you sorry for?  Sorry you got caught?  Sorry the other person was so sensitive?  How you say it might make some difference.  “OK, I’m SORRY!”.  That doesn’t sound too good, it could be taken as “OK, shut up about it already!”.   “I am SO sorry”.  Does that seem like it lacks a little sincerity?  It could.

There are seven little words that you could say instead that are much more powerful and the meaning will never be misconstrued.

“I was wrong, will you forgive me?”

There. You owned it.  Those seven words are difficult to say, but they will make your heart feel better.  They will make the other person feel better.  I know, I’ve said them a lot lately.

It’s up to the other person now.  They can say “yes, I forgive you” or “you rotten B@s^@8#! Not in a million years!!”  If they choose not to forgive you, then they own it.  You can go on your way knowing that you did the right thing because it was the right thing to do, even if you did not get the forgiveness you were seeking.

I’ve been on the other side as well.  I’ve had people tell me how sorry they were they hurt me.  They seemed sincere.  I forgave them.  Those people really didn’t mean to hurt me though.  It wasn’t that big of a deal,  it was a slip of the tongue, or a thoughtless act.  I’ve also heard “will you forgive me?”  I did.  It made a difference when they admitted they were wrong.  If I had doubted their sincerity when they just said “I’m sorry”, I might not have forgiven them.

There are other people in my life who have hurt me, some of them intentionally.  Some of them caused me a great deal of pain.  Pain that in some instances I still feel.  I think that pain has changed who I am to some extent.  Those people have never said  I’m sorry, I was wrong, will you forgive me, or even “OK, I’m SORRY!”

Some of these people I would like to hurt back.  I want them to feel pain like I did.  Those are ugly thoughts, but I still have them.  Way too often.  I try, I pray, but I cannot find one ounce of forgiveness for those “rotten B@s^@8#!”s!”   They deserve to suffer.  But they also might deserve my forgiveness.  Not for them, but for me.

Those are two sides to the forgiveness coin.  The edge of the coin is where the one who forgives and the one who asks forgiveness meet.  That’s where it really counts.  It’s how you react when that moment comes.

How about you?  Are there those in your life who you need to forgive?  Are you going to find forgiveness in your heart for them?  Are there those who you need to ask forgiveness of?  It takes courage.  Muster some up and do it.  You’ll be surprised what might happen.

Forgiveness.  I need to learn to forgive.  I’m not very good at it.  If those I feel wronged by  don’t ask or ever acknowledge that they cause me to suffer, I will continue to suffer until I learn to let it go anyway, to forgive.  I hope that in 2013 I can learn that.

Forgive me if I don’t.

As always, thanks for reading my blog. I hope your visit to The Wild Whirled Of Boppin’ Bill  inspired you to think a little, and I will value your comments.

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Thank goodness!

Stardate: 2012/11/24/10:55pm

What the heck is a Stardate?  I have no idea really, I just know it is in some way associated with that “Dating With The Stars” television show.  Isn’t it?  I thought it sounded like a cool way to start anyway.

I guess it doesn’t matter though, that’s not the point of my new post.  The point is, I learned a few things in my absence from The Wild Whirled Of Boppin’ Bill.  One thing I learned is that IT IS REALLY HARD TO WRITE A BLOG.  At least for me, but I’ve never dated any stars.  I have thoughts (no, really), some I’d like to share with you, and I have time, lot’s of it, and I find some inspiration at times.  It’s just hard to find the time, thoughts, and inspiration all at the same time!

I learned that I have a long way to go to be the kind of man I want to be.  I’m trying.  I don’t want to let those I love down, and I need to be more resilient when they let me down.  I have a few things to learn about forgiveness it would seem.  It’s a little more difficult than our President pardoning a turkey.

Another thing I have learned is that I have a lot to be thankful for, even more than I did a year ago.  Let me tell you that above all and even more, I’m thankful for my beautiful wife Tracy of 25+ years.  She is my soul mate, my best friend, and truest love.  She is the one God intended me to be with, and I knew it almost immediately.  I’m even more sure of it now.  I love to see her smile.  I love to hear her laugh.  She has probably saved me from myself, quite literally.  And she loves me!

I’m thankful that We have weathered some very difficult months brought on by circumstances beyond our control.  We are OK.  We will be stronger together because of it, although there are times it doesn’t seem so.

I’m thankful that I still have some fight left in me.  I’ve doubted myself and felt weak, but I feel a resurgence coming on.  I have a few more rounds left in me.  I am a survivor.  I think.

I’m thankful for the people in my life who are still in my corner, in spite of the fact that I have been a jerk at times.  I’m thankful for new people I’ve crossed paths with recently who have been a blessing.  I’m thankful for old friends I lost contact with for many years, and yet they still seem to care about my well-being and offer me kindness and friendship.  Good friends are very hard to come by.  So thank you my friends, for being my friend.

I’m thankful that God answered prayer and saw good friends of mine through hugely challenging obstacles in their lives.  I’m glad they are still with us.

I’m thankful that my health issues seem to be stable for now.  You have no idea how thankful I am that I don’t have to deal with the UW Medical Center’s Liver Transplant Clinic right now!!  I was referred there for evaluation by my Gastroenterologist recently, and I’m not a candidate at this time.  Translation: I’m not sick enough! Yay!  My kidneys though… another matter.  Later.

I’m thankful that I’ve been given enough wisdom to recognize the wonders and blessings in my life.  I’m thankful I have the strength to struggle through when the skies are darkest.  So far.

I’m thankful for my good friends who write and record amazing music.  It soothes my soul like nothing else sometimes.  You have no idea.  Just don’t stop, please!

As always,  thank you for reading my little blog.  I’ll try to do better in the future!  I’m working on 2 new CD reviews, and I’ll post those soon.  As I can.  Get them done.

Turn off your TV.  Put on some Tony Bennett.  Buy some flowers.  Light a candle.  Feed the birds.  Enjoy a fire, a walk, a hug, a moment with someone you love.  Make another unforgettable memory.  Call someone whose voice you haven’t heard in too long.  That works for me.   Enjoy your holidays.

“Hey fellow with a million smackers
And nervous indigestion
Rich fellow, eating milk and crackers
I’ll ask you one question
You silly so and so
With all your dough….Are you havin’ any fun?
What y’gettin’ out o’ livin’?
What good is what you’ve got
If you’re not havin’ any fun?Are you havin’ any laughs?
Are you gettin’ any lovin’?
If other people do,
So can you, have a little funAfter the honey’s in the cone
Little bees go out and play
Even the old grey mare down home
Has got to have hay….hey!

You better have some fun
You ain’t gonna live forever
Before you’re old and gray, feel okay
Have your little fun, son!
Have your little fun!

Why do you work and slave and save?
Life is full of ifs and buts
You know the squirrels save and save
And what have they got…..nuts!

Better have a little fun
You ain’t gonna live forever
Before you’re old and grey, still okay
Have your little fun, son!
Have your little fun!
Are you havin’ any fun?”

      ~ (Sammy Fain / Jack Yellin)

 

Weekend Special: I Cant Not Tell You This : Krulwich Wonders… : NPR

I had to re-blog this.  I found it most compelling.  Watch the video.  If it doesn’t make you think or wipe a tear from your eye, I would question if you are alive.

I have secrets. We all do. Not necessarily skeletons in our closets, but things, thoughts, ideas that we have never shared with a single soul.  I’ve been married almost 25 years.  There are little details that I have never shared with my wife.  Nothing earth shattering or life changing.  Just little things she really doesn’t need to know.  Things I might tell her someday.  Or not.  They are my secrets so I can share them or not, as I choose.

I think I will buy some postcards though. Or make some.  If I have ever told you that I love you, please call me and leave me a voice mail.

As always, thank you for reading this.  Thank you Christina for sharing this with me. I believe Mr. Krulwich thanks you as well, but I won’t put words in his mouth.

I’ll be back soon.

Weekend Special: I Cant Not Tell You This : Krulwich Wonders… : NPR.

NOTE:  If you are attempting to view the video by following the above link, you may experience difficulty with a mobile device.  I have embedded it here for your convenience.  It’s really important to me that you see this.

Talk Talk!

Oh my!

Yesterday was a good day!  I had some meaningful conversations.

Five of them!

It really made me think.  Why shouldn’t we all have at least one meaningful conversation with someone EVERY DAY??

Think about it.

It’s not that hard to fathom.  We all interact with other people every day.  We all could change someone’s life, maybe not forever, but for a moment.  Do you think about that?  Ever?  Do you take just a few seconds out of your busy day to touch someone’s life?  You could.  You might put yourself “out on a limb” so to speak, but isn’t it worth the risk?

It was for me.

Yesterday was a good day.

I said a few things that I needed to say.  It made a difference in my day because I said those things.  I picked up the phone and made some calls.  My little world is better because I did.  I hope that the people on the other end of the line think so as well.

I made the effort.

Today is a new day.

Will you make an effort today?  I hope you do.  Pick up the phone.  Make that call you are putting off.   Do it.  You’ll feel better.  So will they.  I hope.

I really should try to sleep now.  As always, thanks for reading my blog.

I’ll be back soon.

Call me.

BB

SHORTCUT TO HEAVEN

Star Date 2012/3/15/3:18 AM
“Shortcut To Heaven” edit # 502.  Or something.  I’ve lost count.
#502 – A:
Hi.  I told you in my “Meet The Beatles” post there would be more to that story.  There is.  Time warp back a few years.  I have always had an ingrained appreciation for all things music.  I do believe I was born that way.  I also have always had a peculiar infatuation with all things gadgetry.  At a very young age, I remember my utter fascination with my parents’ record player, which, from my earliest memory, was tucked safely away in a spare room corner.  I used to go in there, stand on my tippy-toes so I could reach, and play these bright yellow cartoon records, Elmer Fud, Bugs Bunny, etc.  Then I discovered, hidden from my inquisitive little eyes in the record cabinet below the phonograph some big, black platters.  (The phonograph is long gone, the record cabinet is in my living room with stereo components in it.)  These records were played at the fast speed, 78 RPM.  My first introduction to Jo Stafford, Frankie Layne, etc.  Wow!  I played those few records over and over, and when I got a little older, I bought a few records of my own with my meager allowance and later, my paper route earnings.  I even had my very own record player!  Sensory overload!
I’m rambling.
Let’s move ahead.  I met The Beatles.  Not really, but it was like I did.  I found more music with a beat, and it captivated me.  The older I got, the more music I found I liked.  I spent more and  more time replaying songs in my head, until the next occasion when they would blare from my cheap transistor radio.  Then… I started to think about that girl again.  Yeah, that one.  The one who would make me glad.  The one who was just my style.  Where was she?  From about 5th grade (ok 4th maybe)  through high school I developed many crushes on some real pretty girls.  Pretty girls who probably didn’t know I was alive, much less that I “liked” them.  I just couldn’t say the words.  I failed at communication then.  I needed a girlfriend, but girls scared me.  More accurately,  it wasn’t the girls, it was the thought of being rejected by a girl that terrified me.  I began to realize that unless I could get over my growing insecurity issues and my negative self-image,  I would never find the happiness I was seeking.
It didn’t happen.  I was rejected in spite of my best efforts.
It took years to get over that.  Maybe I will never get over it.
I started to concoct scenarios in my head that I thought would make me cool.  Cool guys got chicks.  I wanted to be a cool guy.  I wanted a chick!  Then I would be cool!  But,  you have to be cool to get a chick! I wasn’t cool.  Not in my mind at least. I needed a car!  A cool car!  An old Chevy! Yeah!  That would do it!  I got a car!  A ’55 Chevy Bel-Air 2 door hardtop.  No post.  Metal-flake blue.  Loud Cherry Bomb mufflers and an 8-track!  Man, I was cool.  Frigid!  Or not.
This just was not working.
On to plan B.
B is for beer.  Cool guys have beer.  Cool chicks like cool guys with beer.  Yeah, we’ll try this.
B is for bummer.
C is for Chick.
No Chick.
Now the lug nuts on my wheels of life are getting loose.  They will fall off soon, but not in this story.  Later.
Let’s move on to D.
D is for Dope.
You heard me.  Dope.  Drugs.  I saw cool chicks at parties drinking beer and smoking dope with cool guys.  I wanted to be a cool guy, so…. yup,  I got me some dope.
I liked it.
It buried the painful memories and thoughts that were torturing me,  and washed down with a few beers,  I almost liked myself for a little while.
It always wore off.
E.
E is for emergency!  Something had to change, and quickly.  I was going in to self-destruct mode, and I couldn’t seem to find the off switch.  I had a beer in one hand, a bong in the other, and I was about to light more than that bong.  I was about to … burn bridges.  Which brings me to my next post, “Burning Bridges”, coming to a blog near you soon, which in turn brings me back around to the title of this post,  “Shortcut To Heaven”.  I don’t feel like I tied that in to this story very well, but-
” I kept on needing more until I hit the ground, confused and all alone,
I thought I found my shortcut to heaven, but it turned out the long way home.” *
F.
F is for finished.
With this post.  I struggled with it for days.  It’s all I have today.
I do appreciate you reading my blog, and your comments are always welcome.   Thank you for your kind indulgence, and I will write more soon.  Anyone got a match?
BB
*Paul Ansell

Friday On My Mind

Hi friends,

A quick post to let you know what’s up with me and my plans for this blog.  A have a short series of planned “history” posts in the works that will continue where I left off with “Meet The Beatles.”.  Look for the latest in that series soon.  I want you to understand how I got to be who I am today, but I don’t want to bore you with a lot of unnecessary detail. I will try to keep these short. Then, we will get down to the business of here and now, and what really lives inside my head!  In between those planned posts, I may post a quick thought for the day, an experience I had, or a feeling.  WordPress has a nifty mobile app for Android, so I will be able to post quick thoughts or pictures on the go.  I love technology and gadgets!

 

So, last Friday I met someone special. (did that line get your attention?)  Actually, I didn’t really meet this special person, but I cannot wait to do so!  We talked on the phone.  Not very long, but long enough to realize that this person would touch my life.  Actually, I have already been touched.  We share a vision.  This person is kind, compassionate, loving and generous.  I would like to believe that we share some of those traits as well.  This person suffers from life-threatening illness, as I do.  I don’t know what dealing with those issues on a day-to-day basis means, but I want to know, and to understand.  I want to touch this person back. I would like for you to come to know this person as well. We’ll see about that soon enough.  In the meantime, I must respect privacy issues.  Stay tuned.  My life is about to change, for the better.  I feel inspired. Energized. I’m on a mission!

 

Look for a new post, “Shortcut To Heaven“, coming to a blog near you soon.  As always, thank you for reading my blog, and be kind to each other.

 

 

MEET THE BEATLES

January, 1964.    I was 9, and in 4th grade at Madison Simis  school in Phoenix, Arizona.  Our teacher had a record player in the classroom, which got occasional use as an educational tool, and it we behaved ourselves, we were treated to some levity by Alan Freed (Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda…) or some other crap.   Nothing of much interest to me.  Then, one day, from the cheesy speaker words lept that would forever change my life.  Words, accompanied by a beat.  It captured my imagination.

“She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
And with a love like that
You know you should be glad.”

At that moment, at the tender age of 9, I knew I had to have that.  A love like that.  I would grow up and find her.  I would be glad.  I felt it my destiny.

It forever changed me.  At that moment, the beginning of an obsession stirred in me.  I wanted more.  I wanted a girl.  I wanted more rock and roll!  I soon filed the thought of a girl away in my memory for another day.  9 year-old boys don’t like girls.  At least they aren’t supposed to.  But rock and roll?  That was acceptable and it made me feel good!

There’s more to this story.  I can’t tell you more now, although I am in the mood.  I need to sleep and it’s 5AM!  I will be back with another post soon, so I do hope you will join me again.  Leave me comments if you like.

Thanks for reading my blog.

 

BB    Beatles "She Loves You" single picture sleeve

 

Welcome to my whirled

Have you ever felt like you were living in a blender and someone else was pushing the buttons?  I’ve felt like that a lot in my life, and I hate it when that happens!  I like to be in control of things in my life.  I think I was in control for a while there, but somewhere along life’s lonesome road, I lost it.  More accurately, I finally woke up to the fact that I never really had control at all.

Things went along fairly smoothly on “stir”, some of the “lumps” from my childhood were starting to disappear,  then someone turned the speed up to  “whip”,  and I started to feel…whipped.  And then, finally… “frappe”? Sure felt like it.  Things have settled down to somewhere around “blend” for now, after an incredibly bad 2008.  This is the story of my life in a blender.  The abridged version.  I’ll tell you about the struggles of living with my many health issues, of my hopes, fears, loves, and losses.  I hope you will laugh with me about some of it.  You might feel like crying with me sometimes too.  I hope you’ll become a regular reader. Feel free to watch through the glass, but please, don’t touch the buttons.

Welcome to the wild whirled of Boppin’ Bill.  Y’all come back again real soon now, ya hear?